Is long distance relationship supposed to be this hard?

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I and the love of my life have been in a relationship for a year and four months now. Now please don’t get me wrong, it’s been wonderful, but sometimes we go through rough patches where neither of us are mentally well and we argue a lot or bicker here and there, while it’s mainly me being dramatic a lot of the time, but even then, I don’t feel it’s that dramatic. Managing these rough patches is so difficult, especially with us being long distance. I feel like these have been happening more often, but I can’t tell if it’s my own delusions playing tricks against me. Sadly, we can’t have that sort of talk as we don’t really call each other when we are upset and I’m afraid of bringing the topic up because I don’t want to make it into another fight.

I hate it when we go through these rough patches because I can never tell how I’m feeling, and I feel like a different person comes out of me when I’m begging for him to tell me he won’t leave me, or when I get angry from something he said. I’ve seen a lot of articles and videos talking about bipolar disorder and how it affects other people and whatnot I just don’t want to self-diagnose myself with a mental illness I may not even have, I just feel overly obsessed and crazy, and worst of all, I feel like at every minute of the day he doesn’t feel the same about me. (even though I feel like there’s no reason to feel like that).

I’m so extremely terrified of losing him and something going wrong or whatever else you can think of that I don’t think I’ve been able to focus on myself or take the time to understand that there are some things that I simply don’t have control over. I’m so constantly worried about what he is feeling 24/7 and about mainly stuff I can’t control. Sometimes he says hurtful things, but I know he doesn’t mean it, and I’d hope he doesn’t mean it, I just know that if I lost him, I’d crumble into a pile of nothing. What tactics would you recommend so I can work through these issues?

Most couples who have experienced long distance relationships (LDR) would agree that it’s one of the most difficult types of relationship to be in. As social beings who need companionship, intimacy, and support in our lives, friendships or relationships ways we can fulfill those needs. Naturally, when we’re in a relationship where those needs aren’t all met, it’s hard to find it fulfilling. This can be especially true in long-distance relationships where we can’t easily get physical intimacy, where time differences can limit quality time spent together, or frictions that occur due to barriers of communication.

Similar to how you find it difficult to call or talk directly when in the middle of a conflict. It’s an example of how being away from each other for an extended period can make managing conflict more difficult. Whether it be conflict management, communication styles, or even setting regular call schedules, being in an LDR can make romantic relationships more challenging. This is not to say that doing long-distance relationships should be discouraged, as in most cases, long distance happens due to life circumstances rather than a choice. In fact, by understanding the difficulties that come with long distance relationships, couples can see that many issues in their relationships come with the nature of being far away from each other rather than themselves as individuals.

While LDRs can be challenging, we must also understand that how we view relationships in our lives is important as well. While relationships help fulfill our need for companionship or social life, relationships can easily become unhealthy when we seek fulfilment that relationships are not meant to provide, such as a sense of identity or self-worth. When we have a misguided or unhealthy view of relationships, they can become detrimental to our mental health. If you feel like this might be the case, I encourage you to take a step back and evaluate your own view of relationships. Do you put too much importance on relationships in your life? Has the relationship taken a central stage or the core of your life? Do you mistakenly find self-fulfillment, your identity, or self-worth from people in your relationships?

However, not all conflict is automatically caused by being away from each other. We all must realize that our relationships are imperfect because we ourselves are imperfect. When one tends to sweep conflicts under the rug which can lead to resentment, it’s not a long-term relationship issue, but the person’s inability to face confrontations or having an uncomfortable conversation. In your case, it can be something as simple as struggling to express uncomfortable yet necessary concerns about what he said that might have hurt you.

Another challenge in LDRs that you also seem to face is worrying about what the other person is feeling or doing while they’re far away, which can be tricky. On one hand, you want to avoid being ‘paranoid’ about every little thing that might not be true. However, we must also use our best judgment and wisdom to know whether said concerns are reasonable or justified. In LDRs, being transparent and on the same page about each other are keys to building trust. Without them, conversations become a guessing game of what goes on in the other person’s mind, as might be the case in your situation. In general, the line between what concerns are reasonable and what aren’t can be different in each relationship and only he and you can decide where it’s drawn. Rather than playing the guessing game and testing waters with each other, being open about your concerns in a positive and collaborative way is healthier for both your mental health and the relationship.

Additionally, friends and family play an important role in maintaining a healthy relationship. While a romantic relationship is a connection between two people, we mustn’t forget that we aren’t immune to being blindsided or biased. It’s critical to have people around us who can see things from an outside perspective which we oftentimes desperately need. When a person lacks a healthy social life or a support system, they may end up venting their frustrations and worries onto their partners, which can be overwhelming for the other person. A good friend or family also helps keep us in check when we or our partners make mistakes that we might not realize.

You’re also correct in being careful against self-diagnosis, which can be risky and dangerous. When we self-diagnose, we are prone to personal bias, and we risk seeing symptoms that aren’t there or dismissing key information that might cause a misdiagnosis. If you feel like you might have it, we encourage you to see a mental health professional to give an accurate and trained insight. Even if it turns out to be something else, mental health counselors/therapists can help tackle your issues through other means.

Ultimately, ensuring a successful relationship takes a lot of work and mutual commitment for both sides. Many people see relationships as something to enjoy, often forgetting that it takes enormous effort for two people that come from different lives and backgrounds to build trust and share a life together.